Cinderella

Cinderella” is one of my favorite princess movies, I loved the idea
of a fairy godmother and of course the talking mice.  I always wished
that I had my own talking mice, but alas real life is never as
entertaining as the movies.

I could go into a whole tirade about how Disney princess movies have
created unrealistic expectations for young girls, but it’s been done.
Besides, I’ll always a place in my heart for Disney princess movies.

“Cinderella” is a movie that tells us the story of a girl who spends
her days cleaning the house for her evil stepmother and sisters, but
is invited to the ball only to find her very own prince charming.
It’s very charming and magical, especially with the talking mice who
know how to sew.  However, if you read the original story by the
Brothers Grimm it’s not nearly as charming.  Disney is notorious for
taking what are typically dark fairy tales and making them happy,
colorful, and perfect for children.

The Brothers Grimm tell the same story that Disney does but slightly
darker.  When the prince brings the lost slipper to Cinderella’s house
both evil stepsisters cut off a part of their foot to make it work,
but before they can get too far a bird points out the blood in the
shoe to the prince and he turns the carriage around to take them back.
He does this with both sisters but when Cinderella tries on the shoe,
it’s a perfect fit and they ride off into the sunset.

Often girls are in their own Cinderella story but instead of playing
the part of Cinderella, they’re one of the evil stepsisters.

Too often girls are more than willing to cut off a part of themselves
to make a relationship work.  Fortunately, it’s rarely as drastic as
the stepsisters.  However, it’s not uncommon for a girl to change her
interests in order to keep the guy she hopes will be her prince
charming.  It could be as simple as pretending to be interested in his
favorite sports team, or love his favorite restaurant even if she
hates it.  Unfortunately it can be a much more major part of herself
that she’s willing to lose in order to keep her prince.  Too many
girls have severed or at the very least damaged relationships with her
friends and family just because the guy she is with doesn’t approve.

The problem is these girls act like the stepsisters, but their prince
doesn’t want a stepsister he wants Cinderella.

I’m just as guilty of acting like a stepsister as anyone.  I’ve never
done anything as drastic as severe relationships with my friends or
family, but I have tried to be something I wasn’t in hopes that I
could finally be seen as Cinderella.  I wanted so desperately for the
shoe to fit I was willing to cut off a toe.

Looking back on these past relationships or almost relationships, I am
able to see where I changed part of who I was trying to make things
work.  Maybe I liked sushi, suspense novels, bad emo music, or even
Frisbee golf.  The point is when I look back the one time I allowed
myself to just be me, was when I finally found myself playing the part
of Cinderella.

When I met my husband I didn’t have to pretend.  I was just me, and it
worked.  The shoe actually fit without losing a toe.

Every girl wants to have a Cinderella ending, but to have the
Cinderella ending it’s important not to act like the evil stepsister.

"He's Just Not That Into You"

started this blog in the hopes of being able to find humor in all of
the bad dates that I was going on.  However, as of May of last year I
am officially retired from the dating world.  I, the self proclaimed
crazy cat lady am married.  I jokingly told my husband that people
would be coming to the wedding just to see whether or not it was true
because me getting married was so unbelievable.

So what to do with a dating blog as a married woman?  Give advice of
course, or at least offer my opinions.

At least once in their life every girl has dealt with the “does he
like me or not” dilemma.  In fact there’s even been a book written
about it, and they made the book into a movie.  ‘He’s Just Not That
Into You’, it seems like that should be a fairly easy concept to
grasp.  If the guy likes you he makes the effort, if he doesn’t make
the effort he probably doesn’t.  The problem is life rarely deals in
black and whites.  There’s always a grey area.

Women want to believe that the guys they meet really do like them.  At
first glance it may seem like it’s the woman who is completely naïve
and perhaps too trusting.  The problem is the guys give girls reason
to believe that they do really like them.

Sometimes I think guys just want desperately to be liked and will say
whatever they need to in order to make that happen.  Even if it’s only
for one night.  This creates the grey area.  There’s a great first
date with talk of all the things the couple can do together in the
future.  The girl feels secure and happy thinking that she’s found a
great guy.  Then nothing.  No calls, no texts, nothing.

So what happened?  This is generally where the grey area arises.  It’s
easy to say that “he’s just not that into” if he doesn’t call, but if
he really wasn’t that into you why did he say all of those things?

I think the reason is two fold.  First the guy desperately wants to be
liked, and wants to have sex.  I’ll never understand the amount of
work that guys will put into getting a girl into bed, they’ll promise
the moon to just spend the night.  Secondly I think there’s a
neediness involved.  Guys need to have an ego boost.  When they make
all of their future plans it insures (or at least that’s the idea)
that the girl will be around.

Girls are taught that they need to be “emotionally available”.
Generally that means that the girl needs to believe everything that
they’re told.  If you refuse to believe what you’re told then it’s
assumed you’re going to miss out on the “good one”.  Guys use this to
their advantage.  They make just enough promises and give just enough
to keep the girl hanging on.  The funny thing is this is completely
acceptable behavior.

While teaching girls that they need to be ‘emotionally available’,
society has taught guys that there is a list of behaviors that are
totally normal just because they’re guys.  One of those being the fear
of commitment and this fear can explain a laundry list of bad
behavior.  By citing this fear guys can date a girl for an indefinite
amount of time and then just bail at any given point.  Girls will make
excuses for the guy, and the guy can do whatever he wants.

The guy can cite fear of commitment as a reason for making promises
that he has no intention of keeping.  This way the girl sticks around
and responds whenever he seeks her out.  Girls make excuses for the
guy because they don’t want to believe that he’s really not
interested.

Maybe he is interested, but just not that interested.  He’s interested
enough to try and keep the girl around, but not interested enough to
make it anything more than just an occasional date.

So what’s a girl to do?  If she doesn’t trust what guys tell her she’s
cold and not emotionally available.  If she takes everything a guy
tells her at face value, she’s naïve and perhaps a little crazy.

I suppose at the end of the day the best you can do is take everything
with a grain of salt, hope for the best, and be willing to start again
if it doesn’t work out.

Boyfriend?

I swore when I started this blog that I was going to be better at actually posting, epic fail on my part. I feel like I haven't had anything to say. I started this blog with the intention of telling bad date horror stories, I never stopped to consider what would happen if I actually had good dates. That's the problem I'm finding myself in now, I've gone from bad dates to pretty decent relationship.

I mentioned this guy in the last entry, he's the one who wasn't deserving of a bad date blog, and now a few months later, he still isn't. I'm definitely thankful for that. I like the fact that I've found someone I enjoy being with who doesn't treat me badly or tell me about his rectal bleeding.

I do have to admit though that it feels kind of odd to be the girl who can refer to someone as her boyfriend. I spent so many years being the girl that had the bad dates and who was destined to be single. In fact one of my favorite lines was "and that is why I'm single." There was something about single that was fun, as awful as I always said it was there was something to be said about there always being the possibility of something.

I had fun with the online profiles, the email conversations with complete strangers, and then of course the first dates. There's a part of me that misses that. I sort of miss the possibility of a horrible date that results in a fabulous story to tell later. Of course there was the possibility of having the fabulous date, but that's what I have now.

I feel slightly ridiculous saying things like that, but it's true. I can't think of a time when I've been with my boyfriend (and I have to admit I still cringe a little every time I say that word) that I've had a bad time. I always enjoy his company and find myself more and more attached to him.

The fact that I am becoming more attached could explain why I miss the bad first dates. Actually being in a relationship is so much scarier than a first date. The more time I spend with this guy the more involved I become and the more I have to lose if something goes wrong.

There's something safe about being single.

But there's also something incredibly lonely about it. It may not be hard to get those first dates, or even the second, but there's something comforting about knowing there doesn't have to be a mad search for a date when a wedding invitation arrives, and it's nice to know that I pretty much have a standing date for Saturday night.

So I suppose what this all boils down to is that I'm ditching the bad first dates and the emotionally safe single life for a relationship. I've gotten used to the single life and all that involved and I feel like I'm venturing into uncharted waters.

a date with the army boy

I've been slacking in my blogging lately. That's not to say that there hasn't been enough interesting occurences to fill up pages and pages on internet space. It just means that I haven't come up with an interesting way to tell the story. But I'll try.

I went on a date about a month ago, and it seemed like it was going fairly well. It was kind of an odd date though considering we had just decided to meet up at Wiley's and my friends were all there. But we had a chance to talk and we were getting along decently enough, and then he asked the question I hate most froms guys I've just met.

"So what do you think about me?"

I should have known at that point that this was not going to end well. My response was probably not what he was looking for because I believe my reply went something like this:

"Did you seriously just ask me that? Because the last time I checked I was not here to stroke your ego."

Of course at this point the guy has to backtrack and try to redeem himself. I allowed him a free pass at that time mainly because he was buying all my drinks. I also relented and told him that I didn't think he was awful.

We spend the rest of the night hanging out, and we didn't have much meaningful conversation although we did manage to get into a fight about non-violent resistance. I'm for it and he's in the army.

**Sidenote** For this date I overlooked one of my dealbreaksrs, I went out with a guy who is career army. I have been told over and over that I'm too picky and that I shouldn't put so many restrictions on guys that I'll go out with because I may end up missing out on someone great. Just for the record there are reasons that I have these dealbreaker.**

We ended up hanging out some after the bar closed and admittedly I was having a good time. But then he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. What? We've hung out for a total of like 4 hours. I told him that I would hang out with him again but I wasn't ready to take that step.

Of course this starts a whole conversation about how I'm just scared and I need to realize that he's not the other guys I've dated. I just need to trust him, and just go with things. Right so I'm the one who has something wrong with them because I don't want to commit to a guy that I just met. Awesome.

After I left he sent me a text telling me that we should just get married.

We did hang out a few times after that and it was enjoyable enough. The only problem was all he ever wanted to talk about was how I was scared and wouldn't just let myself fall for him.

Seriously?

Now I do have to admit that at this point I did kind of like the guy, I wasn't ready to get married but he seemed nice enough and I had a decent time hanging out with him. Then we went out to dinner and a movie.

Dinner and a movie is pretty standard and it shouldn't be hard for a guy to sail through something like that with flying colors right?

We went to the Olive Gardern, he thought that was a good choice because he had a gift certificate there. Ok so you're not really supposed to tell your date that but that wasn't even the worst part. We made it through dinner, which consisted mainly of him lecturing me about my food choices (he apparently loves to cook and claims to be pretty good at it) and telling me that I need to eat different foods.

Then the bill came. He had already told me that he was going to buy me dinner so that wasn't an issue, but he did go through the bill line by line, and told me how expensive my dinner was, and how expensive soda was.

Classy.

It was all downhill from there.

The next day I told him I was going out with some of my friends and told him if he wanted to come he could but he decided to stay home. Then he procedded to text and ask me if I was still going to go and tell me that he didn't know how I could afford to go out so much.

Seriously?

After that I knew there was no way anything was going to work out between us. He went from desperately wanting to be my boyfriend to feeling the need to criticize everything I was doing. He would text and want to know where I was, who I was with, the next day he would want to know when I got home the night before. Last time I checked it was none of his business.

He decided he didn't like me as much as he thought he did.

Where do these guys come from? I think the problem was that I was supposed to fall madly in love with him that first night and not want to do anything except be with him. I was supposed to change to be just what he was looking for. He said that he's looking for a long-term relationship, and that might be true, but I don't think he's looking for a girl with a mind of her own. I think he's looking for a barbie doll.

But to end on a high note, I have met a new guy that is not deserving of a bad date blog.

But just give it time.

drummer boys and rectal bleeding

I haven't posted a dating story for awhile so I thought maybe it was time.

A couple of years ago, I went out with this guy a few times. I should have known after the first time we went out that it wasn't a good idea. We met at Granite City for a drink, well I had a drink and he had a few too many drinks. We talked for a while and it wasn't bad conversation, but it wasn't fantastic either. After I left he sent me a text telling me that he had a great time with me and really wanted to see me again. He was someone I had met online and the emails we had exchanged were entertaining and he had seemed like a fun guy. Maybe that first night was just an off night for him, so I figured a second date wouldn't be the worst idea.

We went out a couple of times before he started to get weird.

He started to tell me how much he liked me, he wanted me to go and see his band (he was a drummer) but he also told me that he just couldn't figure me out. He said that he was trying to put me into a box but he couldn't figure out what box I would fit in.

We went to a movie one night, he came to pick me up and as we were walking into the theatre he told me that he had gone to visit his family the previous weekend and while he was there had gone to the doctor. I asked him why he had gone to the doctor, being naive and all I was thinking that he had gone to the doctor for a sinus infection or something normal like that.

No such luck.

He began to tell me about the problem that he had been having with rectal bleeding.

Seriously.

A 26 (or 27, I don't remember) year old guy that I am about to go to the movies with is telling me about his problems with rectal bleeding. I began to look for the nearest exit and then remembered he had driven to the theatre. I had nowhere to go. So I just kind of tried to act like it was no big deal.

Because of course guys tell me about their rectal bleeding problems all the time.

He told me that the doctor didn't think it was anything serious but had scheduled a colonoscopy for him anyway. The only problem with that was that he was going to need someone to drive him. My response: "oh, well I'm sure you'll find someone easily enough." The way he said it made me feel like he was hoping that I would offer.

No.

Then he told me how awesome it was that I hadn't run the other way when he started talking about his problem. If there had been somewhere to run I would have.

Needless to say, him talking about his problems with rectal bleeding was not a turn-on for me. In fact I think it would qualify as a deal breaker.

After this fantastic date I didn't see him again. I did that wonderful thing I do where I just quit returning phone calls. I had a few calls and texts from him, but I just couldn't bring myself to respond.

And just in case you were concerned he did let me know that the colonoscopy went fine.

to settle or not to settle

Blueberry Terry

"Sweet Strawberry Sherry, will you ever marry?"
Asked Blueberry Terry, but she shook her head.
"I find marriage scary, dear Blueberry Terry,
Ask Razberry Mary to marry instead."

"I'll not marry Terry," said Razberry Mary, "for Blueberry Terry
resides on the the prairie: I won't leave my dairy to follow him
west."
"Then you I can't marry," said Blueberry Terry- "I won't
leave the prairie to work for a dairy- dear Strawberry Sherry,
Please marry me now.

"No, Terry, like Mary, I do not like prairie
I live on a ferry and never would marry
A man so content to care for his cows."

"Very well Sherry,
Very well Mary.
I'll leave the prairie,
Will one of you marry
Me now?"

"I don't find you handsome," said Razberry Mary.

"I don't find you wealthy," said Strawberry Sherry.

"And since you're not handsome and do not have wealth,
We think that we'll soon marry somebody else."
So Blueberry Terry returned to the prairie and
Rarely saw Mary and Sherry, but then
Mary and Sherry at their ferry and dairy never
Were asked if they'd marry again.

At the dairy and ferry they grew old and thin.
They were nearly ninety when they hobbled in.
"Dear Blueberry Terry," said Strawberry Sherry, "I've
Changed my mind Terry, I'll marry you now."
"Yes Terry, dear Terry," said Razberry Mary, "I'll
Marry you Terry, I'll marry and how!"

"I don't find you pretty, I don't find you healthy
And since you are ugly and have no real wealth
I think I'll return to my cows and my prarie
And there I may marry somebody else."

"I don't know who I'll marry now,
I'm living alone surrounded by cows."

In a small cemetery they buried old Mary and
Poor lonely Sherry, whose tombstones there read:
"Here Strawberry Sherry and Razberry Mary
were buried, unmarried - both single and dead."
Old Blueberry Terry - their man from the prairie-
Felt so alone as his final years sped
He married his Guernsey far out in the prairie
Delighted he'd finally something to wed.

I found this in a an old book that I have of children's poems. It seemed fitting for what I've been thinking about lately.

I think this poem could be about a couple of things. Mainly the idea that the grass is always greener on the other side. Sherry and Mary were convinced that they would find someone more handsome, and more wealthy so they refused to marry Terry. They died alone, even though at 90 they were finally willing to setlle for Terry. But then Terry ended up marrying his cow. I'm not really sure what that says about him.

So to settle or not to settle? I read an essay from The Atlantic called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" (thanks to a link emailed to me from a friend) and I'm not sure what I think about the whole issue. I will say this much, I believe that the woman who wrote the essay (which has turned book) has a skewed perception of being single and deciding to settle. She chose to have a child via donor sperm and regardless of what people may say, a child definetely changes things in the dating world.

She advocates that it's ok to settle and that all women who reach 30 and are unmarried begine to feel uneasy. She also says:
"they, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn't about cosmic connection- it's about how having a teammate, even if he's not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all."

She also believes that settling is a woman's game.

As I said the question is to settle or not to settle? I know that I have a long list of "red flags" or rather the more trendy term "deal breakers", but at what point do I start to whittle away at that list? Is there a point where it's ok to settle for the engineer who wears black jeans and collect pez dispensers?

I would like to think that my notions of a storybook fantasy haven't completely vanished, but it's beginning to look a bit grim. Sherry and Mary weren't willing to settle for Terry until they were 90, do I wait that long? Or at 27 is it ok to settle?

I went to see "Up in the Air" the other day and there's a scene in the movie where the young girl has just been dumped by her boyfriend and she has a conversation with Clooney's character and his girlfriend about what she wants in a boyfriend. She begins to list off all the things she wants in a mate ending with "and a nice smile". The older woman then starts to describe what she wants which basically entails kind and a nice smile. The younger girl responds by saying "that's so...sad."

When does it go from being sad to being ok? Should I begin to whittle away at my list now because people have begun to give me all of those sympathetic looks and tell me that I just haven't met the right person and that it'll happen for me eventually. Or say (and this is my favorite) that it's ok that I haven't met soemone because some people are just meant to be single.

I don't have a good answer.

I will say this though, I don't think I'm ready to settle. Everytime I've "settled" (I say it with quotations because I don't consider going out with someone once or twice as completely settling) I've been severely dissapointed. I realize why it is that certain things are on my deal breaker list.

I'm going to hold onto the hope that there is someone out there who isn't an engineer, doesn't wear black jeans, and hates pez dispensers.

Ok maybe he doesn't have to hate them but at least doesn't collect them.

A long time ago I wrote a list of things I wanted to do before I died. I wish I could find it. It would be nice to know what (if anything) on that list I have accomplished. But since I can't find that list I'm going to start a new one and hopefully one day I'll be able to say that I have accomplished all of these things.

1. Go skydiving
2. Live in another country for at least 6 months
3. Learn to speak another language fluently
4. Travel to Italy
5. Read the complete works of Charles Dickens
6. Take a trip just to see all the roadside attractions (i.e. world's largest ball
of twine)
7. Have a house that has a library with floor to ceiling bookcases, leather chairs,
and a fireplace
8. Go to Scotland and try to find Nessie
9. Spend Mardi Gras in New Orleans
10. Own a Savannah cat and train it to walk on a leash
11. See George Strait in concert
12. See Bob Dylan again
13. Attend a lavish New Year's Eve party
14. Have a job doing something that matters
15. Write a book
16. Read the classics
17. Travel to Russia
18. Attend a show at the Moulin Rouge in Paris
19. Take ballroom dancing lessons
20. Attend at least one event at the Olympics (ideally figure skating)

I suppose I could refer to this as my bucket list. Although calling it a bucket list makes me feel like I'm much older than I actually am.